9 Days til 24 Weeks!

I guess I am just skipping right over 23 weeks and looking at 24! We will be 23 weeks in two days :) I have another appointment on Thursday afternoon. All should be well and then one more week to 24! Every day after 22 has been exciting, but every day after 24 is going to be huge!!!

Baby Dee has been moving around a ton this morning. Her kicks are starting to get pretty hard nowadays. Sometimes I get this weird feeling like I am living in the twilight zone or something. I just can't really believe that we are here again already. I sometimes can't believe I tried again. When we first talked about it I thought there was no way I would be able to survive another pregnancy. But so far I am surviving. Literally one day at a time, but it is getting there!

I really can't wait to have this baby so I can get back to my life of moving and not being uncomfortably pregnant. I am hoping that even with the cramping and contractions that I can start getting around more once I get closer to 30 weeks. If all is well at that point then I would feel a little more comfortable dismissing the cramping and just pushing through so we could go places again.

I am in a pretty bad place in my walk with Christ right now. I don't want anyone to comment on this part of the blog. I just want people to know where I am. I will just take comments in a wrong way because of where I am, so please don't. I know that the fear of another bad outcome has gotten in my way. I still know that He is Lord and that He is good. I still believe the Word. I have just lost all ability to pray. I don't know how to pray anymore. I know for sure that it is not praying for the desired outcome and having it come to pass. I have always had a hard time with praying for physical healing and needs. That only became worse after losing Oscar. I know that I had a huge increase in my faith after Oscar died though. I am just having a hard time. We are always excited when someone is healed or survives or we pray for babies and they do well. I just don't know how to handle it right now when things don't go well. I hope that I can come to a place where I can pray and believe that He really is involved in my daily life again because if we do have this baby, her faith in Christ is going to depend on it. I wish I could pray for her now, but I just can't. I can't take praying for her health and well being right now. The only thing I have been able to pray at all is that His will be done, because that is what will happen anyway. I don't know what to say when I try to pray for her.

I apologize for the long post and again, please try not to comment on my spiritual struggle. I just wanted people to know and there seems no point in ignoring such a huge part of my life that has changed right now.

Melinda